By: Teri Petrocco
Posted: April 27, 2026
It’s Easter, traditionally evoking a desire for a new beginning. I am sitting awaiting Easter dinner guests and contemplating forgiveness. Without forgiveness, a path forward is restricted by hurt and anger. For eight years my eldest daughter has chosen estrangement over my desired mother/daughter relationship. I honestly do not understand why. All I know is that I am hurt and at times experience anger. It has been three years since I decided I would forgive her and accept her choice, knowing I may never learn her rationale. But how do I know that I have successfully, sincerely forgiven her? I still, from time to time, feel the raw hurt. I love this child more than words can express and knowing that she feels animosity towards me, or worse yet, apathy, causes me unspeakable pain. I know that if she walked through my front door, I would embrace her without a need for retaliation or even explanation. I did some research and I compiled a short checklist to determine whether my gift of forgiveness is genuine or the empty words of one who is simply exhausted by the weight of anger and hurt.
Checklist:
- The emotional charge is gone (or much quieter). You can think about what happened without that immediate surge of anger, hurt, or resentment. The memory might still be there, but it doesn’t hook you the same way.
- You’re not replaying the story constantly. When you’ve forgiven, your mind stops circling back to “what they did” or “what you should’ve said.” It no longer dominates your thoughts.
- You don’t feel the need for payback or justice from them. You're no longer waiting for an apology, an explanation, or for them to “get what they deserve.” You’ve let go of needing anything from them to feel okay.
- You feel lighter, not drained. Holding onto resentment takes energy. When you’ve forgiven, there’s usually a sense of relief, even if it’s subtle.
- You’ve made meaning of it. You can see what you learned or how you grew, without minimizing what occurred.
For the most part, the emotional charge is gone. I no longer cry when I think of her. I am no longer losing sleep over thoughts of her. My episodes of IBS are negligible. So item number one is checked. I still play the story over in my mind, but the incidents have been reduced in number. Thoughts of my eldest no longer dominate my thoughts. I would give number two a half check. I gave up ever expecting an apology or an explanation three years ago. I know my daughter and admitting any degree of fault is not a part of her identity. So, number three is checked. I do feel lighter because I see an upside. Drama is my daughter’s desired state of being and not having to walk on ice is actually a relief. So, number four is checked. I have made sense of the situation. I am secure in my belief that I was the best parent I was capable of being. She is an adult. I raised her to be independent. She has a right to the choices she has made in life. I have the right to my choices and I choose not to be a victim. My days are numbered and I chose to live them in joy. So, number five is checked.
So, my forgiveness is genuine. Still there is nothing I would treasure more than embracing my daughter. I refuse to abandon that hope. The opposite of love is apathy. In the end, I am a mother, and apathy will never enter my heart. My love for her is unconditional. I am blessed that God loaned me this child for as long as He did. If that is all the time I have, it is enough and for that time I am thankful.
WE WELCOME YOUR FEEDBACK!
Please send your questions or comments on this article or the blog in general to: asuolliblog@gmail.com
